Sleepless
A sleepless night. It’s 1:15AM and I’ve been trying to sleep for a couple hours now. I’m exhausted – my brain hurts, my eyes are tired, my body is ready for sleep, but every time I lie down and close my eyes, my thoughts starts spinning, I don’t get comfortable and I can’t fall asleep. This used to happen to me every so often, but since I started training for Placid, I don’t think it’s happened once. I’ve thought about it and assumed that the training just had me so tired that when it was time to sleep, my body and mind just shut down and let me get my well-deserved rest. I can’t say that I’m any more stressed than usual (well, maybe a little more stressed) and while last week was an easier week, I’ve had two pretty strong training days in a row and I know I’m tired. I’m not sure how to explain it. Then, once I find that I’m not falling asleep and I start to recognize the symptons, I get frustrated and angry and start looking at the clock and thinking about how little sleep I’m going to get and at that point, I’m pretty much screwed because I convince myself that I won’t sleep. Tonight, though, I’m not going to get upset; instead I’m going to write here for a few minutes and then try again. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll do something else and then try again. I’ll sleep at some point.
One of the thoughts going through my head while I was lying in bed was a conversation that I had with a friend the other night. He’s in the middle of a pretty big project, one that he’s been working on just about every day for nine months and that will finish in mid-March. The conversation started with a general comparison of his project to what I’m doing with the Ironman training. We talked about the process of what we’re doing versus the end result of the year of work. Part of what the conversation centered around (to me, anyway) was the idea that going through the effort every day was more important than what happens at the end of it all. Our experiences are a little different because he doesn’t have an 11-or-so hour final push on the last day of his project, but I agree with the point that in end, what really matters in terms of self-development is spending each day during that year pushing myself and testing my limits and growing. And the experience is mine. Other people can go through this and might even do the exact same training program, but no one except me knows what my body’s going through or how I feel after an easy swim or a fast run or a comfortable ride. That’s my time and those are my challenges and goals to meet. The first day during my Timberman training that I swam 1,800 instead of 1,500 was a big accomplishment, and the day that I bumped it to 2,000 and 2,400 and 3,000 and 3,600. When I started getting up before dawn to train and then training again that night after dark, I was pushing myself to a place I hadn’t been before and it has caused and continues to cause changes inside of me. I’m learning what I can sacrifice (sleep, alcohol, friends…) and what I’m not willing to lose (Elizabeth, Charlie, friends). I’m also learning what my body can take on a daily basis – the pounding of running more than I ever have, while at the same time swimming, cycling and lifting weights. A week with 11 hours, 35 minutes of training like this week seems crazy, but I know I can do it, and then some. Four months ago, I’m not sure I could have said that so confidently. Race day will be a huge day for me; I will have built it up so much in my mind and to my family and friends, but I think that in the end this training process is what I’ll really learn the most from. Hopefully, after all is said and done, this blog will help me remember what the process was like and I’ll have lessons I can take from it to apply to the rest of my life.